I admit it. I don't play by all the rules.
You know the master checklist of what every girl is supposed to do in order to be a "good girl"? Wear makeup every day, do chesed, help little old ladies, cook for Shabbos, send pretty little cookies to friend's vorts, make Mazel Tov signs, do Partners in Torah etc. etc. Well, I don't play by the rules. Is that "why" I'm not married?
I just can't bring myself to do all those things that other girls do, even though it's generally good things. Saying shir hashirim for forty days is just not my cup of tea. Delivering meals to the elderly is not my cup of tea. Teaching is not my cup of tea. Quite honestly, people are not my cup of tea! (shhhh! ;-) )
So what am I supposed to do about it? I've tried to change my nature. I've tried to push myself, tried to do things I didn't really want to do but did them because it was the right thing. But you know what? I'm tired. I need my energy to push myself through the day. I need my energy for ME. I'm sorry, I can't be there for the world right now. I know it's selfish, but I can't force myself into situations that make me unhappy.
So many of the experiences that would exhilarate other people, that would make them feel whole, wanted, needed, fulfilled...just don't do it for me. Call me up and cry to me and I'll listen to you and try to help you out...that exhilarates me. But have me sit down and tutor a kid, and I'll be miserable.
I know it's not about me. I know we're supposed to push ourselves beyond our comfort zone. But I'm so pushed beyond my comfort zone already. My existence is pushed beyond my comfort zone. I can't push anymore.
I know it looks bad. But I can't bring myself to change. In my opinion, no one works on themselves like girls in shidduchim. No one. We're always being scrutinized. We're always having to look into ourselves and try to figure out why we said that, why we thought that, why we wanted that, why we said no to that....and sometimes we hit our limits!
I don't know what the solution is. I don't know if there IS a solution. Or maybe it's like so many of the dilemmas we have, that just float in circles in our minds for years, without any resolution?
I don't know. I just hope I'm not dooming myself.
12 comments:
I'm confused. Why must you change yourself just to "look good" in the eyes of others? Be yourself! That is what someone is going to fall in love with.
I hate all those "shidduch rules." I just don't get it.
I am going to include this post in this weeks Haveil Havalim edition.. If you do not want me to, send me an email... israeli.jew at gmail dot com
still - funny, i never even focus on the master checklist. i do what i'd like to be doing and let others figure out if they like it or not.
I do happen to wear makeup most days, and i try to do chessed, and i have a partner in torah or two, but because I WANT TO, not becase of a prescribed list.
and i teach because it's what makes me happy most of the time (when i'm not marking papers), and because anything else i tried to do just bored me.
and sitting down to tutor a kid makes me kind of miserable, too.
:)
but that's what makes us individuals. if we'd all be doing the ame thing, life wouldn't be very interesting, now, would it?
Don't feel bad. I totally don't go by the rules either. I don't go to shul every week even though my younger sister goes which probably doesn't put me in such a positive light. I don't do lots of things I "should" do but I am happy with who I am. I always remind myself that there are so many people married. I don't buy that all of them were "out there" impressing the world before they got married. So many of them have much less going for them than me and still got married easily so I just hold on and believe that when Hashem deems it the right time, He will put it into the head of my shadchan to redt me THE GUY. Just keep on being you...
Master Checklist?!
Well that explains everything. I haven't even heard of half the stuff on the list...
I don't play by the rules either. Some argue that I should because "you never know," but I'm sick of that.
Just be yourself. Because you want to be loved for who you are.
I admire your yearning for personal growth. As long as it's for YOU, and nobody else, you'll go far :-)
Oh no, makeup is a must? I never wear any shutes. Should I be worried yet?
Shakespeare had an answer many years ago: "This above all, to thine own self be true and it follows like the night the day that thou willst not be false to any man." Please yourself, do what is true for you, and you will more than please the right man.
The Dreamer: Yes, being different is what makes us individuals, but unfortunately people are scared of individuals (look at bad4shidduchim's post about the mother who was scared of her being different).
bad4shidduchim: Don't mind the items on the list too much. They were random things that popped into my head.
Profk: Being true to yourself is not synonymous with pleasing yourself.
Michelle, psyched, and halfshared: Thanks for the encouragement :-)
Rafi: Thanks for the plug.
1. Although I keep the "rules" in the back of my mind, I don't follow them. I think many of them make zero sense, and who has the authority to decide what's "accepted," anyway?
2. You MUST work within your own strengths. Don't try to break your personality in order to conform; it will never work. There's a reason why you're you. If you spent your life trying to be something else, who would do your part?
Stillinshidduchim,
Where are your parents? The rule is that to marry off a girl you need a PR agent and to marry off a boy you need a secretary. It's sad, but it's true (I'm the father of a married daughter with a boy coming up next). If you have a good relationship with your parents, they should be going and speaking to Rashei Yeshiva and others who can help find someone for you. Your bashert IS out there. You just have to find him.
BasMelech: I'm not trying to be someone else. I like me. I don't like when I'm not being the best me I can be.
Anonymous: My parents are very involved and work very hard...it's very difficult to get through to the guys. Thank the good Lord that you married off your daughter.
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